A Story Aboot Pokemon
by Happy Dickfart
Summary: Kanada is NOT Unova's hat. It is its own socially progressive utopia, eh? With all the hockey, maple syrup, and poutine you can possibly dream of, Kanada is the ultimate Pokemon region. You'll be singing "Se Fourre Le Doigt Dans Le Cul" for generations after reading this!
1. Professor Maple Gives Ava a Pokemon

I rite dis wile i wuz at werk selling bonbons n eatin poutine. It's KANADA, BETCH!

A Story Aboot Pokemon, by Dickfart

A girl named Ava Tremblay moved to the Kanada region one day after Ghetsis Harmonia Trump was elected president of Unova. Like all outraged Unovan-Kanadians, Ava and her family decided that being an immigrant in that shithole was NO GOOD, so they packed the fuck up and went back home, but not after tumblr had a meltdown over how rich and privileged Ava was for doing so. Fuck 'em. Social Justice Warios ain't know shit.

Ava and fam moved back to hometown called BAMFF, which stands for Badass Muthafucka Famdamnly. No it doesn't, fuckface. No one actually knows what that extra F is for. It's just there to mess with you.

So Ava just chillin' in BAMFF. Her mom say one morning, "Isn't life in BAMFF swell? Sure beats living in MILF, those fucking chode whores."

Ava laugh, her dad being a chode whore, so it was funny and not slut shaming. Her dad lived in MILF and didn't pay child support, like every Pokedad that isn't Norman.

Anyway, Ava got bored and decided to go assploring Kanada the motherland, until she had a fateful encounter.

"Embrace darkness and inevitable misery as the void beckons you," said some goth chick that approached Ava. Ava, being your run of the mill Pokegirl, just smiled and dot dot dot'd at her until the professor showed up.

"Oh, don't mind my granddaughter Rory, eh? She's all aboot that gothic stuff. She'll grow out of it in time," said Professor Maple, the professor of Kanada.

"Stop embarrassing me in front of my rival, conformist! GOD!" Rory huffed, and stormed off.

"Oh ho ho," laughed he. "Let's get going to my lab, eh?"

Ava, Rory, and Maple go2lab. Ava have three choices.

Since Kanada is special, its starters are of the ice, ground, and steel type varieties. Your ice choice is Beavice, the ice beaver with icicle buck teeth jutting out a twenty degree angle, a pronounced overbite and an obsessive stare viewed in profile. Its battle cry is "heh heh" and its favorite band is Metallica. Your other two choices are the ground type Moosef, a baby moose, and the steel type Square, which is a silver square. Ava makes the obvious choice.

"Beavice, I choose you," says Ava.

"Heh heh, FIRE!" said the stupid fucking Pokemon, before going back into its ball.

"Then I pick Square," said Rory. "The least conformist of them all."

"Is that a challenge?" said Ava. "Go Bunghole!"

"Heh heh, BUNGHOLE," said Beavice, who tackled Square. It wasn't very effective.

"Square, use Writhe in Agony!"

Square just stood there, because that wasn't actually a Pokemon move. Rory gave it many commands to Beavice's thirty tackles, and it eventually fainted because Rory is a fucking moron.

"This is so not goth of me!" Rory shrieked. Then she left, but not before calling Ava a lamebrain.

"Ain't she a hoot?" Professor Maple guffawed. "Well, she's at that age where she's fighting with her parents. Maybe you two will become good friends, eh? Or as kids in fandom these days call it, an OTP?"

"Nah," said Ava.

"Funny, Rory said just aboot the same thing, eh?" said Maple, and he handed Ava the Pokedex. "Now go forth to the Albertia Forest, young trainer. Adventure awaits!"

Ava started her journey in the deep wilderness of Kanada, which was full of trees, snow, bears, poutine, and Kanadians. Beavice was leveled up to 11 and learned Quick Attack. After encountering like five hundred hockey players with the same shitty Rattata, Ava exited the other side of the Albertia forest to find Albertia Town, where Team Lumber was preaching about their lord and savior Harambe.

"Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing," said Beavice, whose dick was already out. Ava laughed, because fuck everything.

"God," said Rory, approaching Ava with her black lipstick and obscure band t-shirt, also black. "Tell this loser to stop following me."

"Hi, I'm Billy," said Billy. "Wanna fightaboudit?"

"No," Ava selected.

"Yes you do, I'm Billy."

"No," Ava selected again.

"Yes you do, I'm Billy."

"No," Ava selected thricely.

"Yes you do, I'm Billy."

"No," Ava fucking selected, pissed off now.

"Yes you do, I'm Billy."

"Yes," Ava selected begrudgingly.

Billy sent out his first Pokemon, Rattata.

"FUCKING MURDER IT!" Ava commanded. Beavice laughed, "Die, heh. YOU MUST DIE!"

And Beavice finished off Rattata in one tackle.

Then Billy sent out Moosef, and Beavice took care of it in a similar fashion.

"Heh, that was cool," said Beavice.

"I'm Billy. My hair is happy to meet you," said Billy. Indeed, he had more hair than any other Pokemon trainer in the Pokemon universe.

"Anyway, I'm Billy. See ya!" And just like that, Billy left.

"Ugh, what a loser," said Rory. "And those Team Lumber guys? Such conformists. I cannot DEAL with such FUCKING BULLCRAP." And she left, too.

"This sucks," said Ava, taking her leave of Albertia Town. She had to win her first badge in Wattawa City, and getting caught up in these wacky hijinks wasn't fucking helping.

But first she and Beavice hit up the Pokemon Center, where Nurse Joy offered free healthcare in the form of REAL maple syrup, which Pokemon chug from beer mugs. So much better than Unova with its crumbling infrastructure, failing economy, and nuclear warheads.

"It's (hic) aboot time we get going, eh Bunghole?" said Ava.

"Bungholio," said Beavice, and thus their adventure through Kanada continued on.


	2. Prime Minister Bob Saget Snorts Maple

A Story Aboot Pokemon, by Dickfart

"Breaking News! In an effort to Make Unova Great Again, Unova President Ghetsis Harmonia Trump ordered a missile strike on the heart of..." CLICK

"You kids don't need to be watching this, eh?" said Kanadian Nurse Joy.

"Why not?" said Rory. "It's dark and depressing, like my soul."

"My dad voted Trump," said Ava. "To be fair, though, he is a whore addicted to chodes, vaping, and Chick-fil-A."

"Honestly, politics is so lame. Why don't they just like kill everyone and get it over with? I'm tired of existing," said Rory.

"Now, now, what kind of attitude is that, eh? You have a Pokemon League to compete in," said Nurse Joy. "Now get out there and win yourselves a couple of Lake Badges."

"Don't tell me how to live my life, conformist!" said Rory, storming out of the Pokemon Center. Ava shrugged and left the Pokemon Center as well.

"Can you believe that bitch? What nerve!" Rory ranted. "But she's right. We need badges, or whatever. I'll go first because you suck."

"K," said Ava, a soulless smile on her face.

Rory entered the Wattawa City gym, whereas Ava sought out some tall grass on the city's outskirts. Her ice type Beavice was overpowered, and therefore could pick off water types easily. That was boring, though. Ava had a little more challenge in her than that.

Forty-five minutes and fifty-three fainted Rattatas later, Ava was finally able to catch a Ralts. A male Ralts even. She named it Poutine and gave it a big ol' kiss.

"Hi, Poutine. Welcome to the team!"

"Yay!" said Ralts, burrowing itself in Ava's arms.

"Now I need you to fight like five hundred Rattatas. Just kidding. Ten would be fine."

"Wah hoo!" said Poutine, battle ready. It used Confusion on every single Rattata until it ran out of PP five times. Then Ava took it to the Pokemon Center, where Rory now was.

"How'd it go?" Ava asked, while her Ralts underwent treatment.

"Fine," Rory barked.

"Fine? What's that supposed to mean? Did you get the badge or not?"

"Yeah, but fucking. UGH! OK, so I found out that Square can learn Thundershock with a TM, so I used it on Square before that battle and was able to sweep that conformist bitch's entire party..."

"That's great!" said Ava.

"Shut up, twat breath. I wasn't finished," said Rory. "Anyway, like, I found the TM in my Good Charlotte CD case, which means I must have left my Good Charlotte CD at home. Or my shitty asshole dad stole it. GOD. Why does he always have to interfere with my life? I hope he slits his own throat and dies."

"Hey, at least your dad didn't vote Trump like mine did."

"Bitch, I said my dad was a thief and an asshole, not a Bible-humping, child-molesting, inbred defect."

"Also," Nurse Joy interjected. "Kanadians can't vote for Unovan presidents. We have a prime minister named Bob Saget. He's a terrible comedian, but at least we all get free Kanadian bacon every Sunday."

"Whatever, hag," said Rory. "Anyway, I'm out of here. Go win that badge or whatever. I don't actually care."

And like that, Rory was gone. Also, Poutine was healed, so the time to battle was now.

Before Ava could enter the Wattawa Gym, Billy exploded out the door with his Bullion, the evolved form of Moosef. It was just a bigger moose.

"Hi, I'm Billy," said Billy.

"Hi, I don't care," said Ava.

"Anyway, friend. My Moosef evolved into a Bullion and helped me win the Lake Badge.

"Neat, huh? I, Billy, was at a disadvantage with the Water Type gym, so I, Billy, figured, if I, Billy, can't get the type advantage then I, Billy, can have the level advantage. Clever of I, Billy, huh?"

"Sounds like a waste of time," said Ava. "Could you go be stupid somewhere else now, Billy?"

Billy broke out in ecstatic tears and threw his arms around her. His massive hair enveloped them both. "You remembered my name!"

"You say your name every five seconds!" said Ava, kicking Billy in the balls and running into the gym. Frankly, these distractions were getting to be a bit too much. Ava needed desperately to win this stupid badge and get out of this crazy town.

When she walked in, what she saw was a five year old girl playing with a Seel. That was it.

"Uh," said Ava. "I've, err, come to battle the gym leader. Is she here?"

"Mommy says some boy named Billy gave her cancer from how stupid and annoying he was," said the little girl. "So they tooked her to the hopsital and said that the gym was belong to me now. Wanna play?"

"No," said Ava. Then she noticed the Nintendo Wii U in the corner. "Actually, yes. My Beavice and Ralts are overpowered anyway. Like, I could beat just one of your Pokemon, then Ralts would learn Magical Leaf and it would annihilate your entire team. Why don't we settle this in Smash instead. It'll be less of a wash."

"Mommy said I'm not apposed to play Smash with strangers."

"Then tell me your name," said Ava.

"I am Marini," she said. "What is your name?"

"Ava," said Ava. "Now that we're not strangers anymore, let's Smash."

"I call Greninja!" said Marini. And Ava picked Pikachu, because Lucario is garbage.


	3. Route 3

A Story Aboot Pokemon, by Dickfart

After a best forty-three out of ninety-one, Ava was declared the Kanadian queen of Smash and was awarded the Lake Badge for all of her efforts. Beavice and Ralts heh'd and cheered for their master's very first victory.

"I got the Lake Badge!" she said, striking a dramatic pose.

"Wah! You cheated. I'm telling mommy!" said Marini, running into her bedroom and slamming the door behind her. Ava just shrugged and left.

"All right. According to this map we take Route 3 to Bri-ishland, where the second gym is." She read all about the gym in a pamphlet and frowned. "Aww, damn. It's a poison gym. Poutine would be useless."

"I'm sorry," said Poutine the Ralts, sniffling. Life hasn't been the same since it became a fairy type pokemon. "I could crawl into a trash can and die if it'll make you happy."

"Nah," said Ava. "I'll just have to catch... another pokemon."

She looked out into the vast tall grass comprised of Route 3. There were millions, if not billions of Rattata. Ava screamed bloody murder, causing most of them to scatter.

"ARE THERE ANY OTHER POKEMON IN KANADA BESIDES RATTATA?"

And just like that, Ava randomly encountered a Pidgey.

"Oh great. Pidgey. The Rattata of birds," she grumbled sarcastically. "Hit it with Confusion, Poutine. If it doesn't die in one hit, I guess I'll catch it."

"Now is my time to shine," said Poutine, glowing beautifully in the sun. He blasted that Pidgey with the biggest wave of Confusion it had ever conjured up, which ripped a worm hole in space/time and sucked Pidgey in feather by feather, leaving nothing behind but its beak and an Oran Berry.

"MINE!" Beavice growled, pouncing on the berry.

"No fair. Those are my spoils," said Poutine, in a low and depressed voice. It didn't lift a damn finger to fight for its berry.

Ava just stood there, staring at the inter-dimensional rift that her Ralts tore open. She walked up to touch it, but a horrible screech burst forth, and the mighty Cthulu broke free and towered sixty feet above them.

"Aww, shit," said Ava. "Umm."

"GGRRRHHAHHHHHHH!" said Cthulu, its tentacles dripping with poison.

"This is all my fault," said Poutine, drooping. "I knew I was better off dead. All I do is cause problems."

"Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh hehh heh," said Beavice, oblivious to the monster before them. He finished the Oran Berry, then proceeded to eat every Rage Candy Bar and drink every Lemonade in Ava's pack. Its HP was full, but it stuffed itself anyway. "Weee ahhhh, ayyyyeeee bwah bwah bwah bwah!"

"Whoa," said Cthulu, staring at the tiny beaver the size of its toenail clippings. "Settle down, Beavice."

Just then, Beavice erupted into a brilliant blue, magic swirling all around it. It grew to the size of Cthulu's toenail now, shook its head back and forth and said, "I AM CORNHOLIO. I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE."

"It evolved into Cornwallice," said Ava, investigating her Pokedex. Apparently what it gains in power it loses in intelligence and grace. Beavice had neither of those things to begin with, so it was hardly a loss. Ava cheered and gave her beloved starter a big hug. Then she ran up to Cthulu and hugged its prettiest tentacle. "Oh Cthulu. How can I ever thank you?"

"Whoa, it's a chick, uh huh huh huh," said Cthulu. "Uh, hey baby. Care to show my your thingies?"

"Sure!" said Ava, dumping everything out of her backpack. "These are all my thingies: a toothbrush, a camera, a stick of gum, a bottle of real maple syrup, Celine Dion's latest album, and some peach-flavored lip balm."

With one last kiss, the newly elated Ava took off on Route 3, leaving a bewildered and disappointed Cthulu in her wake.

"This sucks," said Cthulu, taking a bite out of the lip balm and spitting it out.

Some time later, Ava encountered Rory on Route 3.

"So I heard you summoned Cthulu," said Rory.

"Oh, you know," said Ava.

"So cliche. I knew you were a conformist, but Jesus Christ." Rory shook her head. "I'm pissed off now. I'm going to kick your ass at a children's card game!"

"That's Yu-Gi-Oh," said Ava.

"OH MY GOD, FUCK OFF!" Rory screeched, sending out Rectangle, the evolved form of Square. "USE CUT. USE IT!"

"Bungholio, use Magnitude!"

"A pwa pwa pwa pwa pwa PEON. I AM CORNHOLIO!" Cornwallice smashed the ground with its tail, causing a Magnitude 9 earthquake to shatter the entirety of Route 3. It was super effective, and Rectangle fainted.

"See you at the Bri-ishland gym, you cunt," said Ava, flipping Rory off. Rory pulled out an entire box of tampons and threw them at Ava's head, and the two girls got into a huge, menstrual fist fight over it. Rectangle laid in a ground fissure unconscious. Cornwallice walked around in circles claiming that in his land there was but one bunghole, and Ralts laid in the fetal position feeling sorry for himself. This went on for several minutes, until the girls were confronted by Team Lumber Grunts.

"Soory, but we're gonna have to find and catch the legendary Cthulu, eh," said the first grunt, a male.

"We're aboot to challenge you girls to a battle, eh," said the second grunt, a female.

"Whatever," said Ava. "Poutine, do... something. I don't care."

"I will read you some dark literature from dark recesses of the Internet," said Ralts, opening an early 2000's style web page of Friedrich Nietzche's most famous quotes on Ava's Blackberry. "That which does not kill me makes me stronger. God is dead: but considering the state of the species Man is in, there will perhaps be caves, for ages yet, in which his shadow will be shown. Woman was God's second mistake. Man is something to be surpassed."

"What is this kiddo talking aboot, eh?"

"Woman was not a mistake, eh. That's misogyny, eh!"

And Poutine pressed on, with Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On playing quietly in the background. "Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. Every tradition grows ever more venerable - the more remote its origin, the more confused that origin is. The reverence due to it increases from generation to generation. The tradition finally becomes holy and inspires awe. Belief in the truth commences with the doubting of all those "truths" we once believed."

"Where is that music coming from, eh?"

"I thought we were having a battle, eh."

"Fight my Rattata, eh."

"No," said Ava. "Suffer as I have and let the Ralts SPEAK."

"I fucking hate Celine Dion," Rory spat.

"A man's maturity: that is to have rediscovered the seriousness he possessed as a child at play. To escape boredom, man works either beyond what his usual needs require, or else he invents play, that is, work that is designed to quiet no need other than that for working in general. Against boredom even the gods struggle in vain. Everything about woman is a riddle, and everything about woman has a single solution: that is, pregnancy."

"SEXIST, EH!"

"If I ever get pregnant," said Rory. "Fucking kill me."

"Ditto," said Ava.

"Really?" said Rory.

"Ditto!" said Ditto, and Ava caught it with a Quick Ball before Rory could, inciting another brutal battle of teeth and nails between the two semi-attractive female trainers that the two grunts were struggling to pay attention to since Ralts was melting their brains.

"In revenge and in love woman is more barbaric than man is. In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play. What we experience in dreams - assuming that we experience it often - belongs in the end just as much to the over-all economy of our soul as anything experienced "actually": we are richer or poorer on account of it. The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets successfully through many a bad night."

"I would totally kill myself," said Rory. "But then my stupid family would put me in an ugly pink dress and bury me. Fuck that! Conformist sluts. Burn my bones!"

"Shut up and kiss me," said Ava, sticking her tongue in Rory's mouth while their breasts pressed together. The Team Lumber female grunt watched them, squirming to join in, while the Team Lumber Male grunt listened to Ralts's speech in awe.

"A little health now and again is the ailing person's best remedy. Great intellects are skeptical. Christianity came into existence to lighten the heart, but now it needs to burden the heart to start with so it can lighten it afterwards. Consequently, it will perish. The church is precisely that against which Jesus preached - and against which he taught his disciples to fight. Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful. It is in our wild nature that we best recover from our un-nature, our spirituality."

"I understand now," said Lumber Grunt, and he opened his arms out to the great and mighty Cthulu, who only came for lesbeans. "Soory, I need to hitch a ride to yer dimension, eh? I bring an offering of maple syrup, maple beer, and I'm bilingual in French and Kanadian English, eh."

"Do you have any porn?" said Cthulu, watching Ava and Rory furiously rub nipples through their clothes in the middle of the forest. The little lovecraft beneath his tentacles went boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing.

"Oh, sure, eh. And unlike in Unova, Kanadians can smoke as much weed as they want, eh? Let's go, eh?"

So male grunt and Cthulu disappeared into the portal, never to be seen again. Meanwhile, female grunt was thirsty for lesbian encounters in the forest and danced in place while her twat throbbed.

And Ralts kept on reading from the Friedrich Nietzche quotes page.

"When stepped on, the worm curls up. That is a clever thing to do. Thus it reduces its chances of being stepped on again. In the language of morality: humility. Idleness is the beginning of all psychology. What? Could it be that psychology is - a vice? Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. Against war one might say that it makes the victor stupid and the vanquished malicious. In its favor, that in producing these two effects it barbarizes, and so makes the combatants more natural. For culture it is a sleep or a wintertime, and man emerges from it stronger for good and for evil. The secret of the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment of existence is: to live dangerously! In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man. God is a thought which makes crooked all that is straight."

"I was straight, eh," said female grunt. "What is happened to me, eh?"

"Could you, like, go make out with that chick instead?" said Rory. "I'm tired of her whining. Besides, my makeup is messed up now and my tits fell out of my bra."

"Sure," said Ava, and she drew in the eager grunt for sloppy girl kisses. Rory huffed and stomped away. Love and sexual encounters were conformist shit and she had no time for that, no matter how hard her bean was.

And Ralts read on.

"Man is a rope stretched between the animal and the Übermensch-a rope over an abyss. One repays a teacher badly if one remains always only a student. Present experience has, I am afraid, always found us "absent-minded": we cannot give our hearts to it-not even our ears! Rather, as one divinely preoccupied and immersed in himself into whose ear the bell has just boomed with all its strength the twelve beats of noon suddenly starts up and asks himself: "what really was that which just struck?" so we sometimes rub our ears afterward and as, utterly surprised and disconcerted, "what really was that which we have just experienced?" Many brief follies-that is what you call love. And your marriage puts an end to many brief follies, with a single long stupidity. To demand of strength that it should not express itself as strength, that it should not be a desire to overcome, a desire to throw down, a desire to become master, a thirst for enemies and resistances and triumphs, is just as absurd as to demand of weakness that it should express itself as strength."

Ava fired up a cigarette, naked and wrapped in a sleeping bag with a sleeping Lumber Grunt. Then Billy appeared.

"A wild Billy has appeared," said Billy. "A wild Billy challenges the sex glowing sapphic Ava Tremblay to a Billy fight." He sent out his Moosef. Yes, Billy was such an incompetent trainer that his Pokemon evolved backwards.

Ava gestured her cigarette in the general direction of Poutine the chronically depressed Ralts, quoting Nietzche with all the passion of a thousand blazing Blaziken.

"Of all that is written I love only what a man has written with his blood. Write with blood, and you will find that blood is spirit."

Rory overheard that while applying her eyeliner, cackled, and in her menstrual blood she spelled out the words "KILL BILLY" on the ground.

"Beauty's voice speaks gently: it creeps only into the most awakened souls."

Blacken roar, massive roar filled the crumbling sky, and in a brilliant Metallica backdrop, Sephiroth descended from the heavens and cast Meteor on Billy and his Moosef. The entire world shook. Ghetsis Harmonia Trump tripped down some stairs and got a concussion to go with his dementia and pedophilia.

And Ralts read on.

"You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star."

And Ava wished upon a star that night.

She wished for this to be the Kanada region's only filler episode, as it had everything filler episodes need: evolution, gay sex, exposition, and Nietzche. Even if she got more pussy in one day then Billy, Ash Ketchum, or Brock would ever get in their lifetimes combined, Ava just wasn't one for filler. She wanted her Tea Badge and she wanted it now. She also hoped this wish would extend to less encounters with Rattata.

"Sorry, Grunt," said Ava, leaving the sleeping bag and putting her clothes back on. "It's time for me to get the hell outta here."

"Mmm... donuts..." the grunt whispered, sound asleep. Ava giggled, and she, Cornwallice, Poutine, and Astroglide, her new Ditto, set off for Bri-ishland.


End file.
